shhh.
So I am hitting that point when I’m becoming overwhelmed. It’s not about worrying, as that doesn’t bother me. Worry is when you can’t find food for your children. When we get to that, we’ll worry.
But overwhelmed. By the shear amount of coursework I’m currently responsible for (what was I thinking?), and by the fact that I actually have a life to maintain (3 if you count those things I gave birth to) apart from all that coursework. Add to that maintaining a marriage, friendships, and family interpersonal relationships, oh, and a sex life.
As for the marriage, it’s wonderful, Ron is amazing. He sees where I need him and he jumps in. The flip-side of that is that I carry crazy-ass 1950s guilt for him balancing out where I am lacking- mainly in the areas of house-hold chores. What the hell is that about? For some bizarre irrational reason, I don’t see the stuff I do: meeting with teachers, picking kids up and doing homework, chaperoning field trips, keeping on top of the special education department with my son and his next school year, testing for the kids, keeping up with what the kids are learning, etc- I don’t see any of that as contributing. However, I give him grand kudos for participating in raising our kids. And folding lots of laundry. Not that I shouldn’t give him thanks and kudos- but why on earth do I chastise myself and feel like I’m not contributing in comparison? Stupid vagina.
My kids are getting older and that’s been a blast. I like them more each day as they become people. Because they are becoming really great individuals. The sort I can be proud to know whether they were my kids are not. I feel a lump in my throat when I think that I hope I haven’t done any lasting damage on them. And, that I hope they don’t grow older and see my going back to school as a selfish pursuit.
Because at the root of it, that’s what I feel. Selfish. My rational sense tells me how remarkably dumb that is. My heart just wants to cry. Rational me wins about 98% of the time but when I am overwhelmed with school, life, and feeling like I’ve run out of “me” to give to anyone- that’s when the ‘heart’ wins. And when it wins- it wins big time. As though it’s making up for that measly 2% occurrence of win.
And that’s what I’m feeling. I feel like doing school is sometimes me saying “no” to the people who are most important to me. Like doing what I love begets less of me to share. And while I know that’s not how they see it (I hope), it’s how it feels.
So I am just feeling that right now, and knowing that, “this too shall pass”. Because it’s really just me feeling overwhelmed and honestly, scared at starting grad school. Manifesting in feeling like a bad wife, mother, daughter and friend. So, I prod on. And trust that the people I know who love me, love me. And so long as I keep moving forward, that’s progress. And that’s pretty good.
I probably just need to have copious amounts of sex.
4 months ago